Stick Shift

Our trip to Bear Lake made Grayson realize the brakes on the 'burb needed repair. As we would get close to stopping, there would be a slight roar, like an airplane flying low overhead. As we live close to Airport#2, I'm not sure if I had really noticed the sound, or just thought it WAS an airplane each time the noise was noticeable. Anyway ... Grayson said we needed to get the car in, but this causes some difficultly, because we are definitely NOT a one-car family. I don't have a lot of errands to run, but I did have a few (mostly running kids) that needed to be done. My parents have two cars but generally can easily get by with one, so I called and asked if we could borrow their little blue truck, as we had before (when it was Grayson's truck that needed the brake repair, just a few months earlier). Gray drove the little blue truck that time, but this time it made more sense for me to use the loaner ... except that it is a stick shift.

Now ... driving in general isn't something I like to do. This isn't something new. Unlike most 16 year olds, I was in NO hurry to get my licence. I've always been intimidated by the road. Add any complication ... traffic, construction, weather, unfamiliar surroundings, darkness ... and my stress level would skyrocket. And a stick shift ... yes, that's another one! I am happy to say I was able to overcome my fear and drive the little blue truck with it's stick shift for my errands. It was like riding a bike ... it came back to me pretty easily (but an automatic is absolutely the way to go!).

Recently, my SIL posted on her blog about her daughter's struggle with anxiety. I had talked with Courtney about some smaller issues we'd had with Cooper and Keaton in the recent past. But it wasn't until I read her blog, and continued on to some of the links and reading that I began to wonder about myself ... so much of the stuff really rang a bell with my issues.

While I've never really been comfortable behind the wheel of a car, I overcame much of my fear of driving for a time. I drove down to Snow College a few times, and commuted to BYU, although I have still never driven downtown Salt Lake. Now? I can't even IMAGINE being able to make those trips. As I've gotten older, had a hubby to rely on ... I've regressed. I'll drive right around home, on familiar streets, but it is still a struggle with any complications. My fear of freeways has won out completely ... I haven't driven on 1-15 in years now. And it's not even just being behind the wheel, but as a passenger as well. Our family trip to California was very hard on me (Grayson half-jokes he should just give me a double dose of Ambien to put me out during the drive) and when the family trip to Seattle came up ... I just couldn't do it, and I stayed home.

During the day to day, it's fairly easy to ignore the issue ... but then it rears it's ugly head. Callahan's basketball has been a bit of an problem, as it's forced me a bit out of my comfort zone (driving to Taylorsville and other new places in traffic/weather/darkness) ... driving to West High School was completely out of the question though, I had to find a ride with a team member. Getting Cooper downtown for his Jazz game (Uncle Clay took him) ... as I have to rely on others, put them out ... I feel worthless, it's easy for the depression to take over. It is a problem. Unfortunately, I'm not sure if there's anything I can really do about it ... I'm getting more than a bit concerned about the upcoming construction on Bangerter. I joke with Grayson that I'm a future shut-in ... but I'm not really joking ...

So ... I'm not really sure why I wrote up this post. Sometimes just writing things down, getting them out, can help a bit. It's just buried here, in the blog ... while I made it past the stick shift, I'm still stuck ...